Update

I haven’t wanted to write a blog post. I haven’t wanted to really do anything regarding our journey. The last time I got on social media before today, I had jokingly posted about being annoyed with seeing several birth and pregnancy announcements upon scrolling for less than a minute. Someone commented about not knowing that lady’s journey, and I get it. But I just had to say it. I know I don’t know everyone’s journey or struggles. Many women never speak about infertility or struggles. I get it. BUT I also feel I should be able to openly talk about MY struggles. Shit, just posting that on Facebook was huge for me. I feel like the WORST person for getting upset about pregnancy and births. I mean come on!! Who wants to be negatively impacted with new life?? I just do not have the emotional bandwidth to deal with pregnancy or birth announcements right now. I shouldn’t have to explain myself. I’ve even been slightly open about our journey. What if I had shared NOTHING about my infertility and posted that?! All of it just makes me want to say “fuck it” and isolate.

Today was my first time on social media. I scrolled for a few minutes and couldn’t handle any more. I am not strong. I am not unbreakable. But I’m expected to act as so. It takes so much of me to return text messages, read text messages, anything. I can’t explain it. With everything going on with our infertility and COVID, being on fertility meds makes just living life almost unbearable. It takes everything I have to go through my daily life and not fall apart. So I’m a sucky friend. A sucky wife. A sucky daughter. A sucky sister. And MIA on social media. I am truly sorry. I miss people. I miss my friends. But I just can’t. If you are reading this and love me, please understand. It’s not that I don’t want to communicate. It’s not you. I just physically and mentally can’t.

As for our journey and the update, our 9th and final IUI was December 11th. We tested on the 26th, the day after Christmas, with yet another negative. So we had to make the tough decision whether or not to move onto IVF. Each failed IUI, I have responded differently. Sometimes I’ve been upset. Sometimes I’ve been pissed off. Sometimes I’ve just needed to move on and process it later. This time was a move on and process it. I didn’t want to feel pitied. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want “that look”. I needed time before I could talk about it and process everything.

So we are waiting to hear from OU in order to pay the deposit and get on the list for IVF. Now to figure out how to pay for this 5 figure attempt to make a baby and pray that its a one-and-done.

Who wants to offer us jobs in New York so we can move there and get IVF for free & covered by insurance?! Just kidding….but Oklahoma (and all other states), get on it!! Gender reassignment is covered by insurance but IVF isn’t. Where is the logic in that?!