Drowning

Monday—the AC repairman finally had the part he needed to fix it. HomeShield, when things need repaired, usually costs us $75. But this time, the part that wasn’t covered was $320. Another cost we weren’t expecting.
*also, bleeding a little, yet again
*my office was so damn hot, it caused a headache

Today (Tuesday)—
7:08–leave for work
7:18–car yells at me (with sound & red flashing light) saying it needs coolant
7:40–find out I may not be able to ride with the tow truck due to COVID.
7:55–talked to tow company; found out it was probably going to require more than just adding coolant. It is probably a hose or a leak or something
*during this time, Austin is calling garages to work on it.
8:10–the ONE garage that can work on it, can’t get it in until Friday. If they need a part, it won’t be able to be fixed until Monday.
8:24–tow truck arrives
8:49–arrived at my house with my car. Getting it off the truck, the battery was dead. He had to charge it, did something, then had to charge it again. Finally got it off the truck, but battery is still dead. Can’t lock the doors, so my day is spent making sure no one gets in it.
9:01–let the dogs out, look out & see a big black something in the yard. I get closer, it’s a huge dead bird. (Pics later). I use the pooper scooper to move it into the alley behind our house.
9:05–go to the bathroom. I had put a panty liner on this morning (because I’m randomly bleeding), but when I sat on the toilet, it had fallen in. Finish my business, put on a pad. The pad wouldn’t stick. So I had to throw away the pad, put my undies in the hamper, got a new pair, and put a pad on.
9:15–FINALLY sat down to start working…

SO that’s how my week is going…

If you don’t know, I drive an hour to work every day. I drive about 165 miles a day. So my car being MIA is very, very bad news. Whatever the cost, we MUST pay it and get it fixed ASAP. So our IVF savings keeps dwindling. One week before we start IVF. So here’s what we are looking at, financially…

We have around $11,000 saved at the moment. This will be where the car repair money will have to come from & our IVF money. Before the car mishap & AC repair, we were pumped that we had enough money to pay for IVF and scrape together whatever else was needed. I’ve been pre-approved for a loan, but the interest is 20-30%. While that’s a good safety net, it is NOT wanted or ideal. So now, we are freaking a little. A lot.

Not only financially, but with everything. The universe keeps knocking us down. It’s just one thing after another and right before we start IVF. As if this process isn’t hard enough. Austin, my lovely husband who remains steadfast, even-keeled, and doesn’t get too upset about anything, is freaking out. His messages yesterday, before the car debacle: “I’m still just frustrated that we keep having to pull money out of savings. We work so hard pushing and asking for people to donate, only to have some of that money taken away because something breaks” and “Like we are we going to get a break and the universe stop fucking us over and let us have a baby”. And then today: “I’m having a hard time trying to keep positive vibes with everything that’s been happening”. This breaks my fucking heart.

Breaks. My. fucking. Heart. The heartbreak of infertility. The struggle of IVF. The difficult journey of IVF—emotionally, mentally, physically, every damn aspect. Living somewhere between disappointment and hope. A constant struggle between the two. Add in the events of this week. Oh, and then my work, which I planned for a calm couple of weeks during IVF, the state department decided to review files and they MUST be fixed to perfection by the 16th. So I have been stressing to get these done quickly, and hopefully before we start IVF.

It shouldn’t be this hard. It shouldn’t be so taxing to start a family. I’m so sick of “the darker the storm, the brighter the rainbow”, “good things take time”, “anything worth having is not easy”. FUCK YOU. Not this. Something that just happens to a couple of hormonal 16 year olds by kissing should NOT be this difficult for a couple of stable adults that love each other and have a solid relationship. On top of it, most insurance companies don’t cover it, it’s considered an “elective” procedure, AND if I want to take sick leave for it, it diminishes the sick leave for when I have the baby.

This all sucks.

All of this for a 50% chance of pregnancy & a 50% chance having a baby in our arms. FUCK. ME.