Another…Lemon…?

🤰🏼6 weeks & 4 days 🤰🏼
I haven’t had too much to update on, and since Wednesday, I haven’t wanted to update. We have 2 more sleeps until our ultrasound. My nausea has been here and there. I’ve been exhausted still. I’m feeling cramping/pressure pretty often. The constant bathroom visits has happened, but it isn’t ridiculous amounts yet. The worst part is waking up in the middle of the night and waking up with a full bladder. I’m trying not to freak out and focus on the present, but I am just too anxious about our ultrasound!

I still feel weird talking about being pregnant. Infertility is such a ravenous bitch. I’m terrified of losing our miracle baby. I’m terrified of all of the things that could go wrong. I don’t feel worthy of being pregnant. I know, I know…so ridiculous. I hate that in sharing our journey, everyone knows so so early in our pregnancy. Then, on the flip side, people don’t want to share before 12 weeks in case there is a miscarriage because they don’t want to share that pain and sorrow. But then, if we shared about the loss and pain, maybe it wouldn’t feel so shameful and kept a secret, just like with infertility. So I feel selfish hating that people know we are pregnant so early. It’s basically a shame spiral.

When Life Gives You…..SHIT

My blog has focused on our infertility journey, so this is hard to share. It is especially difficult because my mom says not to post about it. But this is my blog, where I’m honest and sharing our journey, and this news strongly impacts our journey.

My last day of school was Thursday. The calendar had been changed several times at the beginning of the year, and I didn’t realize that we didn’t have a “work day” on Friday until Wednesday. Last Friday, my boss had a conversation with me regarding some complaints about me, and he was being required to create an “improvement plan” for me. The complaints were bullshit and basically came down to certain people being sensitive and not caring about anything but their world. One of the things was that I didn’t answer my phone when I was out for IVF. Another thing was I didn’t tell my boss on one of the days I was going to be out (I hadn’t decided until like midnight, and didn’t want to text). Upper admin knows about my IVF. I’ve argued with them regarding other things, like getting docked 20 minutes of sick leave for getting to work late, due to an appointment at OU, even though I always work past our “contract time”. The district is in a shit ton of trouble right now, and I have held upper admin and others to the law on different issues and occasions. How dare I?!? This was my second year here, so I am still on a “temporary” contract, meaning I have to get rehired each year, until I’ve been there for 3 years.

The board voted on the “rehire” list in April, but you can’t find the list anywhere. So I’ve been wondering if I was getting rehired or not. We have a mass exodus happening, too. But I chose to stay put. I love my job. I love my district, minus upper admin. Well, on Wednesday (the day before the last day of school), my boss asked that I come see him, around 11am, so I went over to his office. He let me know that they (upper admin) decided not to renew my contract. That’s right, I was essentially fired. Less than a a day before my contract was over.

I’m devastated. I love my job. I know that there’s probably a blessing in it, but with being pregnant, this is NOT something that needed to happen right now. I’ve been working on saving up sick leave for maternity leave. Starting a new job, applying & interviewing, etc is NOT a fun thing when I’m early pregnant and supposed to refrain from stress. Starting a new job in August only to start maternity leave in January, maybe December is NOT a good time. Especially since my job is usually done by not many people. My mom works for the company I have my flex and disability policy with, and she brought up something I didn’t even think about…my disability policy starting over MAY not cover my pregnancy because it could be a pre-existing condition because of starting a new job. The short term disability policy pays a percentage of my salary for 6 weeks (natural) or 8 weeks (C-section) and there are many other benefits with birth that are paid out. But if my pregnancy is considered pre-existing, then it won’t be covered, and I’m essentially fucked. Thanks mom! Lol!

So applying for a new job, interviewing, getting, starting a new job, changes in salary/pay day/insurance, etc is too much in general, but even more so when pregnant. FUCK. It seems we can’t ever have anything without struggle. My life and what I’ve been through. Our infertility journey. We FINALLY got pregnant, and now this. I just want to enjoy the good things in our lives instead of being knocked down by life….again. So, prayers, good vibes, positive thoughts, crystals, whatever you believe in, for us please! I’m trying not to stress and think about it, but as you can see, it’s so hard not to. Damnit.