*this post contains language that might not be suitable for some readers*
aka…..I’m pissed!
I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m sad. I feel guilty. I’m devastated. I feel hopeless. I feel defeated. I feel ungrateful and selfish. I’m crushed.
Let me start with the positive so I don’t feel guilty for going on an angry rant. We have a beautiful, fun, joyful 16 month old (in 4 days…)–Sterling. She is such a blessing and our miracle IVF baby. Going through these failed transfers have made me realize just how lucky we were with her and how much of a miracle she truly is. She is such a goofball! I really enjoy *almost* every moment with her. She’s fiercely independent and stubborn, so there are times that I want to scream. But she is so funny. She loves to fake laugh and will go back and forth with you forever. She has learned about hugs and squeezing while hugging, which is so sweet. It is such a joy and so much fun to watch her learn and discover things.
My husband is as close to perfect as a human being could be. He’s right alongside me during all of this mess. He never wavers. He’s a constant anchor when things get crazy. He’s always concerned about what I need and taking care of me. Yesterday, he brought home ice cream and flowers and kept asking me what I needed. He, too, is grieving. But you would never know it. He keeps me sane. I don’t think I could go through this with any other man and still be able to function.
Now…………….
There are so many things I want to say and am feeling right now. I’m coming off of lots of hormones cold turkey. Last failed FET, I didn’t want to process by blogging during that time. I didn’t have time either. That day, I got my evaluation from my boss and was VERY upset. So that was a bit of a distraction. This time, I know what that withdrawal, if you will, feels like, so I am more prepared. Prepare yourself for rambling…..
All I can say to my amazing husband and my parents is “I’m sorry”. It’s so hard to not feel personally responsible for not being pregnant, especially with IVF. We have eliminated the whole chance encounter of a good egg and sperm meeting. We’ve eliminated the first 5 days of viability. All we need is the embryo to snuggle in to the lining. Yes, I know the chances, even with a perfect embryo and perfect uterine lining is 50%. But STILL! It’s my body that is failing. It’s my body that can’t work right. I know I’m obese and need to lose like 100 pounds. That is nearly impossible for me. It took me 6 months to lose 30 pounds in my 20s. That 6 months was a very restricted diet and tons of gym time. Normal people would have lost that weight in half the time. I don’t have the willpower to do that again. Much less the energy. I’m still breastfeeding, so I have to make sure I don’t deplete too much. And I’m hungry. ALL. THE. TIME. Yes, I know, I’m bitching. I know I control all of this. But it just isn’t fair.
Speaking of not being fair….
I just don’t understand. My whole life has been a struggle. I feel like I can’t catch a fucking break. My only exceptions are my husband and our baby. I had melanoma at 31. I have unexplained infertility. It took 5 years of infertility treatment to have our baby. I’ve had horrible experiences professionally. And on and on and on. I’m overweight. Significantly. I have high blood pressure. I eat like shit. I have high cholesterol. I have all these medical issues. Yet, there are people MUCH larger than me out there that get pregnant without medical help. That are perfectly healthy–no blood pressure issues, etc. They have horrible habits too, but there’s no complications. I just don’t understand. Even when I was skinny, I had issues. I was doing fertility treatment at my healthiest and couldn’t get pregnant. I’ve had bad sun/tanning habits. I knew the risks, but thought it could never happen to me. Yet here we are. I don’t fucking understand. Not to mention people who get pregnant without knowing the science and statistics of the specific parts of getting and staying pregnant. Oh and don’t have to pay a shit ton of money. Oh and don’t have to rely on science. It sucks. My hubs and I have a great marriage. We are pretty bomb ass parents. We WANT tons of kids. We can financially support more kids. We are good people. We have steady jobs and a great home. Yet we are going into debt to TRY to get pregnant. We have to make decisions about more kids based on if we can afford another cycle. Yet people with no money get pregnant by looking at a man. People are addicts and have no health issues for YEARS. It is just unfair.
Money…let’s talk about that!! We have good jobs. We make decent money. We aren’t loaded. And we can afford the day to day. The last 3 years, we have owed on our taxes. Even 2021 when we went through IVF and had a baby. We got a refund, but they took away the COVID child tax credit, and most of it went to what we owed for 2020. We owe this year. WHAT the FUCK?! It’s so frustrating. It’s not like we aren’t paying a shit ton in taxes every month either.
then infertility…..so far, over the last 5 years, we have spent probably $40k on building our family. It took us 3 years to get Sterling. We had to wait until a year after she was born to start trying again. We are almost 5 months into trying for #2. This year, we planned for our HSA and FSA to go to IVF. We had plenty to cover one FET. When we had to do our second, most was covered with what was left. We still had to pay about $1100 out of pocket. Now, we come to FET #3. With no HSA/FSA. No savings. No extra money. No tax refund. Oh, and we still have a loan from our first IVF cycle that we are paying on. Luckily, the FET is under $4000, but that’s still $4000 that we don’t have. And add in the $1100 we didn’t have for #2. So here I am, stressing about money. I still have to pay the clinic for what insurance didn’t cover on my visits before FET #1. Oh, and in June, we get charged the yearly fee for keeping our frozen embryos, which is $400. Did I mention we owe taxes?! So it just keeps piling on. We should NOT be limited to building our family because of money. Each treatment has a 50% chance of pregnancy and then each pregnancy is a 50% chance of a live birth! $4000 to take those chances. WHY?!?!?!?!?!
Back in 2018, we made a 5 year plan. We wrote everything we wanted to do, accomplish, experience, etc on sticky notes. I had a page for each year 2019-2023 and 1 for beyond that. I can’t remember what was on each year, but I know that we wanted a baby in 2019. Then we wanted baby #2 and to adopt, but I can’t remember which order. We have the agency we want to use for the international adoption. I have the paperwork printed and the documents needed that won’t change (birth certificates, marriage license, etc) copied and in a file. We are 5 years in and have 1 baby. While I am grateful, that is absolutely crushing. At this point, I don’t know if we will ever be able to afford adoption. We want as many kids as we can afford. When we finally got pregnant with Sterling and had 5 frozen embryos, we were so hopeful. Our dreams of building our family seemed sunshiney and exciting. Now, 2 years later, we have 2 embryos left. The lowest quality ones. One of the embryos, our doctor said is not good quality either. So, of course, I’m thinking about all of this. What happens if we have to transfer the last 2 and we still aren’t pregnant? I guess I will have to go through the full IVF cycle again. Can we afford it? Do I want to do it at my age? Will it even be worth it, given my history? Should I pause trying and lose weight? If I stop breastfeeding, my regular doctor would put me on a med to help me lose weight. Do I want to give up breastfeeding for that? Do I want to stop nursing when Sterling isn’t ready? Do I want to sacrifice breastfeeding to lose weight? Do I want to delay baby #2 even longer? Will losing weight even matter? Every month we delay is a wider age gap for Sterling and her sibling…and delays baby #3. Will we even be able to have a 3rd? I really wanted to be done having kids before 40. But the longer we wait, the closer that gets. Being pregnant and waiting a year before trying again means it’ll be 2 years between kids, at least. At this point, if we can do FET #3 soon, I will be 36 for kid #2 and if we are able to get pregnant with #3 soonish after, I’ll be 38 with kid #3. That’s best case scenario.
So yea…..lots on my mind. All of it unfair. Infertility sucks. It’s robbed us of so much. Mostly time. While having kids older is fine, that’s less time we will get with our kids overall. I’ll be 52 when Sterling graduates high school. Austin will be 55. She’s our oldest (*hopefully). We’ve been robbed of so much time. So much joy. It’s so unfair. I’m just so over being defeated at every turn. I see people that have not struggled for anything in their lives–even cancer treatment was perfect and worked quickly. Why do they get such cushy lives? (and this person I’m thinking of is an ASS!) I know I don’t see everything. But still. Every single thing has been a struggle for me. When will it stop? When will it be my turn for everything to go my way? When will the world/universe stop fucking me over at every chance? Did I mention my cancer–melanoma–is the sneakiest bitch of all cancers?! It comes back with a vengeance. So that is constantly looming over my shoulder.
I am exhausted by life. I love my life. I have a career that I love, an amazing husband, and a beautiful toddler. My family is amazing. I have so many people in my corner. I know it isn’t all bad. But it’s exhausting. It’s overwhelming. It’s debilitating at times. There are times that I just want the pain to go away. Infertility has sucked the life out of me, and I honestly don’t know how much longer I can take it.
I know that eventually, storms run out of juice. I know there will be better days. I know it isn’t all bad. But today, I am accepting how I’m feeling without my own judgement. I’m defeated. I’m crushed. I’m hopeless. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to sleep until the pain goes away. I want to eat my feelings. I want to never eat again. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically on empty. I just need the world to pause for one day. I need a g**damn break.
Ryan’s Ramblings 