We are now almost 3 weeks past finding out FET #4 failed. It has been a wild ride. The whole time between transfer (May 2nd) and test day (May 12) I tried to stay as calm and not stressed as possible. So post-test day, I had A TON of work I needed to get done in a short amount of time. Teacher/school friends…try not to do your FET in May. lol! My work got CRAZY busy in April and May. So May 13th, I had 22 specific meetings to prep and schedule. It took me 4 hours to do so, being super focused. So I had 8 days to get these done and so much work before all the teachers were gone for summer. The rest of that week, I was sad. I had no appetite or desire to eat, which is unusual for me. I’m normally a stress eater. That Saturday, our neighbor’s kid had her birthday party and we went. Starting after that party, I was super sick until a day or 2 ago. Almost 2 weeks of stomach sickness. TMI here, but puked my guts up that Saturday (couldn’t keep water down) and then persistent straight liquid diarrhea until this past Sunday or Monday. In that time, I lost 13 pounds. I’m finally on the mend. Mentally, I felt human again on Tuesday. So yea, 3 weeks post-test day and I’m finally blogging…not shocking with all that. Oh, and the Friday before the party, I started my period and it came with a fucking vengeance day 1! I bled through 2 maxi pads in like 3 hours when it started. I had a heavy flow for like 4 or 5 days. So that’s super fun while peeing out of my butthole. Lol! Oh, and I started getting sinus crap and a relentless cough that Sunday. So yea, a blast.
About Those Feelings…
Through all this, I knew I needed to feel. I knew I needed to process. Now that I’m human again, I guess I did process through it somehow in the midst of everything. Test day, I was numb and a little disbelief. Like, it’s technically positive, let me keep taking the meds and test again in 2 days to see if it rises! But, I trust my REI and team, so I let that go pretty quick. The following 2-3 days, I was mad. On my way to work the following day, I had the urge to chop all of my hair off and dye it black. I was pissed. Pissed at the world. Pissed at the situation. I was in full “fuck around and find out” mode. I did not try to smile or fake my way through it. I could feel the “Long face” I had for several days. When I got to work the day after test day, I texted those that knew and asked about the transfer and said “not pregnant. Not ready to talk about it. Just wanted to let you know”. Thankfully, these people understood the assignment. When I was ready to talk about it, they were there. When I say “talk about it”, it was literally like “this fucking sucks” and “it’s just not fair”. And really, that’s about as far as I got because I felt like I was dying for the next 2 weeks. Lol! That Friday, my REI/fertility doctor did call and we talked through next steps. I had to get a follow up HCG to ensure I was not pregnant and before considering another round, she wanted to see my AMH level, which tells about my ovarian reserve. So I went to the lab shortly after because it’s literally down the road. I obsessed over that until the results came in, of course. My doc said anything over 1 they can work with. The “normal range” is 0.18-5.68. My level is 6.34, which is very high. Yay?
So #3?
My therapist kept asking me during the cycle if I felt like our family was complete. She told me to really think about it. So for about a month, I’ve been considering this. So many thoughts/feelings. I don’t feel like we are complete. I’ve been telling people that I really want a boy so I can have a mama’s boy. While that is true, the honest full truth is that I want to bring another Austin into the world. My husband is the most incredible human, man, husband, dad, everything. The world needs more men like him and I want that. I don’t know if that is influencing my feeling of our family not being complete or not. I want to be pregnant again. I want to do it all again. When we first talked about creating our family, we wanted to have 2 of our own and adopt internationally. This was before we knew we would have to spend tens of thousands to have our 2. Basically, what it costs for an international adoption is what we have spent and more. Don’t come for us either. We considered domestic adoption but we could not handle an adoption that could be overturned at any time. We need it to be absolutely final until the day we die.
Warning! Raw and Real Thoughts…
Thinking about and deciding what to do now has been crazy. I feel guilty and selfish for not “being happy for the 2 we have” and thinking of people still struggling to have 1. I feel guilty and selfish for wanting more from the universe, if you will. But it’s not fucking fair. It is not supposed to be like this. We shouldn’t have to be in debt up to our eyeballs to create our family. I shouldn’t feel guilty or selfish for deciding how many kids to have. We pay THOUSANDS for fucking insurance and it does not cover IVF at all. Money shouldn’t be the barrier for trying to make another baby. There are people out there that have more babies that they can’t take care of so they can get more money from the government. We are a steady couple with a good marriage, comfortable financially, full of love and a desire to be amazing parents that want more kids. Yet our decision and our family relies on money. Because IVF coverage doesn’t exist in our state.
Then I think of things people must say or think—isn’t 2 enough? At least you have 2 miracles! You should be happy with the ones you have. At least you have kids. Just stop already. And on and on and on. I’ve thought about this a lot. Here’s my rebuttal…with most people, the decision to have more children isn’t judged. Not as being selfish (isn’t 1 enough) or “two is plenty”. Most people either make this decision as a couple in private or nature makes the decision for them. So yea, I am done feeling selfish, guilty, or any type of way. It isn’t my fault that I need hella science to have a chance at pregnancy. It’s not my fault that my body refuses to accept an embryo when placed ON the damn lining. We are doing things for the best of our family. It’s not fucking fair that IVF is the only way we have a chance at getting pregnant. Which, reminder, for me is a 40-50% chance of pregnancy for each embryo transfer. It isn’t even a fucking guarantee.
Now what?
After processing, grieving, and talking through our options and all of the different aspects of either another cycle or not, Austin and I have decided we are going to continue trying for #3, which means we will be doing another full IVF cycle. Our family is not complete. I’m a find a way or make a way person, so I will figure out how we can finance or pay for the cycle and I will endure and sacrifice whatever I need to. I’ve wanted to be a wife and a mom for my entire life. Being a mom is part of my purpose. Yes, we are blessed with 2 amazing girls. They are both miracles. We know this. Another cycle/trying for #3 and our miracle babies aren’t mutually exclusive.
The next thing is to pay the $1000 deposit for the IVF cycle. When this happens, we will get a start date. When we did our other cycle, we paid the deposit in January and our start date was in April (then due date in January). I’m assuming the clinic is booked out about the same. So if we pay it in June, I’m guessing a September start date maybe? The cycle is 9580 plus other costs (infectious disease testing, medications, etc). Good news is, the clinic now uses OU Children’s Hospital pharmacy and it is cheaper. The medication estimate previously was 3000-5000, and now it is 2000-2500. Total, we are looking at $12,000ish. We will order medications (and pay) probably a month before the start date and everything else will be due 3 days before the start date. My plan, at this moment, is to find/get whatever kind of loan I can get. It’ll probably be high interest and cost a fortune extra, and I will be in even more debt, BUT it’s worth it.
Not to get TOO political, BUT if any of you know a rich pro-life person, instead of lobbying for conception and personhood laws, which restrict and impact IVF patients, they can donate to our cycle (or just pay for it). There’s a commercial set at a graduation and the names are ridiculous like “Rick’s Auto Parts Harrison” because they sold the naming rights because “kids are expensive”. Well, we are selling the naming rights to our kid because making them is expensive. Lololololol! Between Austin’s HSA and my FSA, that should cover 4500 (I think…math off the top of my head), so we are looking at about 7500.
So yea, that’s where we are at…
I have 3 more days of work and then I will be obsessing over this. lol! Thanks unmedicated ADHD! I guess I will be selling whatever I can. Anyone want to come organize a garage sale or sell my shit on Marketplace for me? Ha!
Here are some cute pictures of the girls to leave you guys with!
Ryan’s Ramblings 