Ryan’s Ramblings

The Last Few Months—an Update

I was going to do a Facebook post for this update, but decided to do it as a blog post. If someone wants to know about what I’m sharing, they have to click a few buttons to read it. lol! I did share a bit about the last few months in a previous blog post, so if you are a regular reader, sorry for the repeat…bahaha!

So here we go….

The last few months have been rough. Too much, if I’m honest. April was mostly IVF meds to prepare for our transfer scheduled for May 2nd. The 5-6 days after transfer were hopeful. Starting the 5th or 6th day after transfer, I was taking pregnancy tests almost obsessively. Taking them a couple times a day, but obsessively looking, searching for the 2nd line. Every day became harder and harder. I tried to keep the hope and positivity, but it got progressively harder as the days dragged on. May 12th was test day at the clinic and in the afternoon, we found out the transfer failed and I was not pregnant. Finding that out, you instantly stop taking the IVF meds. Which is a FUCKING trip in itself. The 12th was a Monday, so the rest of the week was a struggle.

That Saturday, our neighbors had a birthday party with a bounce house that we attended. During the party, I was feeling extremely nauseous but assumed it was because it was very hot and I hadn’t had much water. We went back home and ate dinner. And then the misery began…. This was the beginning of a 2 week stomach bug. Saturday, I was puking and having liquid diarrhea constantly. I couldn’t even keep water down. For the next 10 or so days, I could not eat real food. I still went to work and did life as normal, because, well I had no choice! Wednesday, I was barely hanging on, so I text my doctor. She made me come in immediately. I had to get IV fluids. She also ordered labs—stool samples and bloodwork. They could not get my veins at all. She said it was a bug or virus, so I basically just had to ride it out. Later that week, I was able to get the bloodwork done at DLO. Just a week before that, I was at DLO getting bloodwork to confirm I was not pregnant…

So yea, in the weeks of the stomach bug were the last few weeks of school. My workload was absolutely insane those last days and of course, during the stomach issues. I was finally feeling normal again the last few days of work. School got out May 23rd for teachers but my last day was June 3rd. My last day, my husband took off 1/2 a day to help me move the rest of my stuff out of my office. As we are getting ready to leave, there are severe storms heading our way, including tornadoes. As I’m driving home with the kids, we get caught in a downpour and the sirens are going off. It was a wild night!

The next day was tragedy. I have a blog post about this, so I will be short. Around 11, my husband was let go from his job. In September, he was laid off from his job and got this job in December. So, this was devastating. We had, just a few days before, decided to continue with another IVF cycle ($12k to pull from nowhere). Back to June 4th, that evening, our neighbor’s dogs killed our dog, Peaches. This was exactly 3 weeks before her 17th birthday. Devastated is not even close to the right word. The rest of the evening, I wailed, had panic attacks, and could not stop crying. It was awful. I woke up the next day and both of my eyes were extremely swollen. I couldn’t stop crying. To this day, I can’t think about it or her without getting physically ill.

I think I finally crawled out of my grief hole last week and began feeling “normal” again. This week is my last full week of summer. I go back to work Wednesday. I had so much I wanted to do over my break. Things with the girls. Things around the house. Nothing crazy, of course. Some of the things—potty train Sterling, get Hazel walking, clean out the office, unpack my work office stuff and organize it in the home office, steam clean some things, get my closet back in order (recovering from the school year), do some simple things with the girls (story time at the library, pool days, chalk, go to the playground, etc). Now that my break is coming to a close, I feel guilty. I didn’t get much accomplished. My list is still there. I’m trying to have grace for myself, of course. But I feel guilty for all I didn’t get done. For all the memories I didn’t make with the girls.

So there you go, the last few months of my life. Failed IVF, no time to grieve, severe stomach bug, chaotic moving out of my work office, job stuff with the hubs, my fur baby being killed, getting her remains, grief…

Hopefully, things are on the uphill side for our little family…

Waiting and Waiting and Waiting…

I guess it is time to give an update. We are currently still in the waiting game. Once we pay the $1000 deposit, we get a start date. Until then, it’s just waiting…with no end in sight. Hope, but with no idea when your “work” towards your dream will begin. Work, meaning the start of the cycle. I feel somewhat in control when I’m doing something about it, so like doing meds, organizing, planning, etc. So we wait and wait and wait and wait.

I’m still trying to figure out how the fuck we are going to pay for the cycle. My finances are fucked which has fucked my credit score. I don’t want to try to fundraise again. So hopefully I can finance enough to recover my finances AND pay for the cycle. I seriously need some charitable rich people in my life. It would be nice if the clinic would let us make payments after the cycle, especially with how much money we have paid them over the years. But no, cycle must be paid before starting meds. I can always try for a credit card, but I don’t think I could be approved for enough to make a difference. Once we pay the deposit, we will have about 3 months to get the rest, so I’m constantly going back and forth, like…get enough to recover and pay the deposit and then worry about the rest for the next few months OR continue to try for the whole amount and feel hopeless.

WHY IS IT THIS FUCKING EXPENSIVE AND HARD TO TRY TO GROW OUR FUCKING FAMILY?!?!? I pay so much fucking money to have a decent (not good or great) health insurance plan. We are good fucking citizens. We work, we pay taxes. We aren’t relying on the government for housing, food, education, living. But we are in so much debt trying to build the family we want. What the fuck. I’m so mad on so many levels. The rage inside of me does nothing to bring baby #3 into our lives though. So I digress…

We are waiting. My flex account starts September 1, I think—got all messed up with meeting with American Fidelity so it isn’t starting July 1 like it should have; so I am pissed about that, but also unsure when it will start. Once I have that, I can apply all of it to our cycle. Yay for $3300 going straight to the clinic.

If you know anyone that is rich and charitable, please send them my way! I would even be super grateful for a super rich person to loan us the money. I’d pay back every month with interest, I swear.

Oh, and I go back to work next week, so I’m also feeling guilty about all of the things I didn’t do over summer that I intended to—housework and with the girls. So yay. Time is passing by so quickly and we are nowhere closer to our baby #3…

When it Rains…

….it fucking pours.

Last week was my last few days of work. My last day was June 3rd (Tuesday). Austin took off a half day to help me move the rest of my stuff out of the office. Wednesday (June 4th), Hazel had PT through SoonerStart. As soon as the therapist left, I checked my phone and Austin said he was heading home. I immediately called him. Turns out, it was the end of his probationary period at his job and they decided to eliminate his position. We were finally getting back to normal from when he was laid off in September. I felt awful. I felt responsible. But that’s for another time. Luckily, I had therapy scheduled for later that day.

I don’t want to (and emotionally cannot) give the whole scenario & whatnot, so long story short…one of our dogs was killed by our neighbor dogs. She was 3 weeks away from her 17th birthday. She was barely 10 pounds. Yes, it was close to her time, but she wasn’t supposed to go out like that. If you don’t know this about us, our pups are our babies. Finding out, I was wailing for a very long time. I had a panic attack. It was bad. I woke up the next day with swollen eyes and petechial hemorrhaging around my eyes (or something similar) and a killer headache. I’m finally able to think/talk about it I think.

All of that, and today is Austin’s birthday. Fuck me. I’ve been so depressed and trying to dissociate since last Wednesday that I have barely planned anything. So I feel terrible.

Sooooo….IVF is still our plan, but life is life-ing and it is going to look a bit different than we expected. So, please…keep us in your prayers, positive thoughts, crystals, sage burning, or whatever you believe in. We definitely need it.

FET #4 = Fail

We are now almost 3 weeks past finding out FET #4 failed. It has been a wild ride. The whole time between transfer (May 2nd) and test day (May 12) I tried to stay as calm and not stressed as possible. So post-test day, I had A TON of work I needed to get done in a short amount of time. Teacher/school friends…try not to do your FET in May. lol! My work got CRAZY busy in April and May. So May 13th, I had 22 specific meetings to prep and schedule. It took me 4 hours to do so, being super focused. So I had 8 days to get these done and so much work before all the teachers were gone for summer. The rest of that week, I was sad. I had no appetite or desire to eat, which is unusual for me. I’m normally a stress eater. That Saturday, our neighbor’s kid had her birthday party and we went. Starting after that party, I was super sick until a day or 2 ago. Almost 2 weeks of stomach sickness. TMI here, but puked my guts up that Saturday (couldn’t keep water down) and then persistent straight liquid diarrhea until this past Sunday or Monday. In that time, I lost 13 pounds. I’m finally on the mend. Mentally, I felt human again on Tuesday. So yea, 3 weeks post-test day and I’m finally blogging…not shocking with all that. Oh, and the Friday before the party, I started my period and it came with a fucking vengeance day 1! I bled through 2 maxi pads in like 3 hours when it started. I had a heavy flow for like 4 or 5 days. So that’s super fun while peeing out of my butthole. Lol! Oh, and I started getting sinus crap and a relentless cough that Sunday. So yea, a blast.

About Those Feelings…

Through all this, I knew I needed to feel. I knew I needed to process. Now that I’m human again, I guess I did process through it somehow in the midst of everything. Test day, I was numb and a little disbelief. Like, it’s technically positive, let me keep taking the meds and test again in 2 days to see if it rises! But, I trust my REI and team, so I let that go pretty quick. The following 2-3 days, I was mad. On my way to work the following day, I had the urge to chop all of my hair off and dye it black. I was pissed. Pissed at the world. Pissed at the situation. I was in full “fuck around and find out” mode. I did not try to smile or fake my way through it. I could feel the “Long face” I had for several days. When I got to work the day after test day, I texted those that knew and asked about the transfer and said “not pregnant. Not ready to talk about it. Just wanted to let you know”. Thankfully, these people understood the assignment. When I was ready to talk about it, they were there. When I say “talk about it”, it was literally like “this fucking sucks” and “it’s just not fair”. And really, that’s about as far as I got because I felt like I was dying for the next 2 weeks. Lol! That Friday, my REI/fertility doctor did call and we talked through next steps. I had to get a follow up HCG to ensure I was not pregnant and before considering another round, she wanted to see my AMH level, which tells about my ovarian reserve. So I went to the lab shortly after because it’s literally down the road. I obsessed over that until the results came in, of course. My doc said anything over 1 they can work with. The “normal range” is 0.18-5.68. My level is 6.34, which is very high. Yay?

So #3?

My therapist kept asking me during the cycle if I felt like our family was complete. She told me to really think about it. So for about a month, I’ve been considering this. So many thoughts/feelings. I don’t feel like we are complete. I’ve been telling people that I really want a boy so I can have a mama’s boy. While that is true, the honest full truth is that I want to bring another Austin into the world. My husband is the most incredible human, man, husband, dad, everything. The world needs more men like him and I want that. I don’t know if that is influencing my feeling of our family not being complete or not. I want to be pregnant again. I want to do it all again. When we first talked about creating our family, we wanted to have 2 of our own and adopt internationally. This was before we knew we would have to spend tens of thousands to have our 2. Basically, what it costs for an international adoption is what we have spent and more. Don’t come for us either. We considered domestic adoption but we could not handle an adoption that could be overturned at any time. We need it to be absolutely final until the day we die.

Warning! Raw and Real Thoughts…

Thinking about and deciding what to do now has been crazy. I feel guilty and selfish for not “being happy for the 2 we have” and thinking of people still struggling to have 1. I feel guilty and selfish for wanting more from the universe, if you will. But it’s not fucking fair. It is not supposed to be like this. We shouldn’t have to be in debt up to our eyeballs to create our family. I shouldn’t feel guilty or selfish for deciding how many kids to have. We pay THOUSANDS for fucking insurance and it does not cover IVF at all. Money shouldn’t be the barrier for trying to make another baby. There are people out there that have more babies that they can’t take care of so they can get more money from the government. We are a steady couple with a good marriage, comfortable financially, full of love and a desire to be amazing parents that want more kids. Yet our decision and our family relies on money. Because IVF coverage doesn’t exist in our state.

Then I think of things people must say or think—isn’t 2 enough? At least you have 2 miracles! You should be happy with the ones you have. At least you have kids. Just stop already. And on and on and on. I’ve thought about this a lot. Here’s my rebuttal…with most people, the decision to have more children isn’t judged. Not as being selfish (isn’t 1 enough) or “two is plenty”. Most people either make this decision as a couple in private or nature makes the decision for them. So yea, I am done feeling selfish, guilty, or any type of way. It isn’t my fault that I need hella science to have a chance at pregnancy. It’s not my fault that my body refuses to accept an embryo when placed ON the damn lining. We are doing things for the best of our family. It’s not fucking fair that IVF is the only way we have a chance at getting pregnant. Which, reminder, for me is a 40-50% chance of pregnancy for each embryo transfer. It isn’t even a fucking guarantee.

Now what?

After processing, grieving, and talking through our options and all of the different aspects of either another cycle or not, Austin and I have decided we are going to continue trying for #3, which means we will be doing another full IVF cycle. Our family is not complete. I’m a find a way or make a way person, so I will figure out how we can finance or pay for the cycle and I will endure and sacrifice whatever I need to. I’ve wanted to be a wife and a mom for my entire life. Being a mom is part of my purpose. Yes, we are blessed with 2 amazing girls. They are both miracles. We know this. Another cycle/trying for #3 and our miracle babies aren’t mutually exclusive.

The next thing is to pay the $1000 deposit for the IVF cycle. When this happens, we will get a start date. When we did our other cycle, we paid the deposit in January and our start date was in April (then due date in January). I’m assuming the clinic is booked out about the same. So if we pay it in June, I’m guessing a September start date maybe? The cycle is 9580 plus other costs (infectious disease testing, medications, etc). Good news is, the clinic now uses OU Children’s Hospital pharmacy and it is cheaper. The medication estimate previously was 3000-5000, and now it is 2000-2500. Total, we are looking at $12,000ish. We will order medications (and pay) probably a month before the start date and everything else will be due 3 days before the start date. My plan, at this moment, is to find/get whatever kind of loan I can get. It’ll probably be high interest and cost a fortune extra, and I will be in even more debt, BUT it’s worth it.

Not to get TOO political, BUT if any of you know a rich pro-life person, instead of lobbying for conception and personhood laws, which restrict and impact IVF patients, they can donate to our cycle (or just pay for it). There’s a commercial set at a graduation and the names are ridiculous like “Rick’s Auto Parts Harrison” because they sold the naming rights because “kids are expensive”. Well, we are selling the naming rights to our kid because making them is expensive. Lololololol! Between Austin’s HSA and my FSA, that should cover 4500 (I think…math off the top of my head), so we are looking at about 7500.

So yea, that’s where we are at…

I have 3 more days of work and then I will be obsessing over this. lol! Thanks unmedicated ADHD! I guess I will be selling whatever I can. Anyone want to come organize a garage sale or sell my shit on Marketplace for me? Ha!

Here are some cute pictures of the girls to leave you guys with!

May 14, 2025…

I left this as a draft on that day meaning to come back and process/blog. I’ve since processed, kind of, so I’m publishing this raw and unfinished…

I somehow have no words but too many words. Monday, we found out that our last embryo transfer failed. My HCG was 6, which is technically positive because 5 and under is negative. I’m still processing. So for the non-emotional stuff…I have to go back next week to make sure the HCG goes back to negative. My doctor will be calling with next steps after that, I guess. She told us in February that the next steps would be labs to see what my ovarian reserve is and come together and she would give her suggestion. This is given that we want to keep trying for baby #3.

#3 that IS the question…

…

My Random Thoughts…

We had 2 failed transfers when we were trying for #2, sure. But one completely failed, then it was on to FET #2. That one was a positive at our beta, but HCG had fallen 2 days later, so an early miscarriage. Calling it a chemical pregnancy feels wrong. So I don’t. After that, it was on to FET #3. That one stuck and now we have Hazel. So the 2 failed transfers, I never grieved. I never truly processed. I think about those embabies, yes, but I don’t let it get past surface level. Now, I’m forced to reckon with the loss. I’m forced to process it all. To grieve.

Wake, Pray, It’s Transfer Day!

I still am not doing so great with this blogging thing. lol! Today is transfer day! I can’t believe it is finally here. This morning, we dropped the girls off at school and now are at Jimmy’s Egg for breakfast and to kill time until our appointment. We have come here so many times before or after IUIs, fertility appointments, and other transfers. It’s weird to think that this is the last transfer. We may come back around different appointments at OU, but this is possibly our last one on transfer day. What a journey this has been. But I will work through that a different day…

I started meds on April 11th, taking an estrogen pill three times a day. The first few days of taking these, my uterus felt ALIVE. I’m not sure how else to describe it, honestly. My uterus almost felt the same as when I would feel movement of the baby while pregnant. I don’t remember having that feeling before, but there are many things I don’t remember about the previous transfers. (One of the main reasons I decided to blog about it)

We started progesterone shots on the 27th. Sterling is stoked about “helping” with shots. So much so that I probably need to make sure her school knows what we are going through. lol! This time, we are using the Dandi IVF kit that I talked about before. Let me just say, I am LOVING it. Not only does it make things simpler and more streamlined, but it helped with my prep for shots. I didn’t have to think about or buy new ice packs, heating pad, etc. It’s been wonderful. Check it out here: https://dandifertility.com At some point, I will upload some shot videos. Another random perk of the Dandi thing….it helps censor any videos/photos because it naturally covers your booty crack. lol! So, if you are having to do shots for IVF, BUY IT. You won’t regret it. Use code ryan_lynn to get a discount.

The past couple weeks have been a lot. Work is at its busiest, of course. Lots of work to get done and not enough time to complete it all. All while I’m supposed to keep stress low. Lol!

I will post again about the actual transfer. We are about to leave Jimmy’s Egg and head to OU. Please send all of your prayers, positive vibes, spirits, and whatever else you believe in. STICK, BABY, STICK!

Baseline 4/8/25

As promised, I am trying to be better about blogging throughout our journey. People keep asking me if I’m excited. Yes? And no? I’m excited for a 3rd baby. I’m not excited that the only way we have a chance is through IVF…again. I’m excited we have one more embryo. I’m still grieving the 2 we lost in 2023. I’m terrified that if this one doesn’t stick, that we will be done forever. I’ve also been asked why we are doing it so soon after the birth of our 2nd baby. Well, I’m old. Lol! If it doesn’t stick, we will go through tests and MAYBE a full IVF cycle. Our clinic is scheduled out about 3-4 months. As with most things with infertility, time is precious. Should I get pregnant with our final embryo, I will give birth at 38. While the embryo is from a 33 year old me, my body, which hasn’t cooperated during either pregnancy, is definitely feeling 38. Best case scenario, I’m 38 when baby 3 is birthed (in December 25/January 26). Worst best case scenario (a full IVF cycle after a failed transfer), we’d be looking at a possible September/October start date…so like May/June 26 and tons of added stress, financial burden, and abuse to my body. So yea, transferring when my youngest is 15 months is ideal.

My appointment today went as planned/expected. It is called the Baseline appointment, for those that may be new to me. They did an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries weren’t doing anything, measure the uterine lining, and check my estrogen levels. Everything was where it needs to be to continue with the plan, which means my last birth control pill was today and I start estrogen 3 times a day on Friday. Get ready y’all! lol! Not the smartest thing doing this the last 6 weeks of the school year, but the alternative is worse.

Sterling (my 3 year old) has a few baby dolls and has had them for a while. In the last couple weeks, she has become obsessed with one. She asks where it is constantly. She sleeps with it. She takes it to school. She wants it constantly. I asked her whose baby it was and she said it was mine. I asked her if it was a baby brother or a baby sister and she said baby brother. While we will be excited for a girl, we REALLY want a boy. She’s also been doing the toddler stance that the old wives tale means it’s time for another baby. This one…

So, fingers crossed that’s all a good sign from the universe for this last transfer.

My Return…

Well, I clearly suck at remembering to post. My last post was at 11 weeks pregnant with baby #2. Well, Baby #2 is now 14 months old. Hazel Ann was born at 37 weeks 1 day on January 29th, 2024. I will have to update on her and basically 2 years worth of updates at another time. lol!

Yesterday was my mock transfer and HSG for Baby #3–our final embryo transfer. Tuesday is our baseline appointment, and if all goes well, I will be starting meds on Friday the 11th. Our transfer is scheduled for May 2nd, with May 14th being test day. I have many, many feelings about this being our last embryo and SO MUCH anxiety. My OBGYN does not suggest going through an entire IVF cycle again, given my medical history and age. Our fertility doctor said that if this last embryo doesn’t stick that they would bring me in for some tests to look at my ovarian reserve before talking about next steps, should we want to peruse any. Of course, this is all about being positive and having hope. So I am trying not to think of the what ifs.

So, I found a pretty cool product on Instagram. It is the IVF kit from Dandi Fertility. It can be found here: https://dandifertility.com/products/the-kit I am super impressed with this product. I am now a micro-influencer for them. I really don’t know what that means, but I do have a discount code. For anyone wanting to purchase the kit, use code ryan_lynn at checkout and get $15 off. You can use your FSA/HSA to purchase it too! I really want to purchase it and I am going to try to. We pay for our FET (frozen embryo transfer) on Tuesday, so I am needing to see if we have enough to make this purchase. The kit is wonderful for anyone going through IVF though—stims to PIOs! I wish this product would have existed 4 years ago when we did our cycle.

There has been a lot of life and a LOT of world happening since August 2023 (my last post). Regardless of our 2 beautiful baby girls, infertility continues to have a stronghold on our lives. Before getting married, we agreed to have as many kids as we could afford. Little did we know that would mean how many we could afford to attempt to make. I am very nervous for this transfer, knowing it is our last embryo. Knowing that we want one more. Knowing that our family isn’t quite complete. I feel selfish, like we are pushing our luck too much. I feel ungrateful, like our 2 baby girls aren’t enough. But that’s not it. Infertility has taken the full joy of building our family. With the joy comes guilt, shame, embarrassment. I feel weird posting about trying for #3. Like it’s too much. Posting about baby 1, of course. Baby 2, yea…that’s acceptable. But baby 3….are you kidding?! I know it’s silly. But if you are a long time reader of this blog, you know my intention is to be open and transparent about my thoughts and feelings throughout everything. So, I am feeling my feelings. I’m sharing them. I am not judging them.

I’ll be back for more updates. Hoping for #partyof5 and baby3 (and a boy)

11 Weeks 4 Days

I don’t have much to update, but since I’m not crazy busy at work, I thought it would be a good idea! I am officially 11 weeks 4 days pregnant. I’ll be 12 weeks on Sunday. FINALLY. Different places you look show different answers for when the 2nd trimester starts. It’s wild. So I am hoping for the earliest, but counting down to the average answer–August 13th. I am trying not to wish this pregnancy to speed up or anything. The entire time, I have been miserable. I’m almost constantly nauseous, constantly exhausted and fatigued, and other random symptoms that come and go. I want sweets, but I get sick. Water makes me sick most of the time. I’m either starving or nauseous. I’m not trying to complain or whine though. I wanted to share some real updates. I’m very cautious about how I talk about my pregnancy because I’ve been in the place where I see people bitching about pregnancy and I would do ANYTHING to trade places. So please do not get offended.

I still have not taken belly pictures. I know. lol! Earlier this week, I thought that you could definitely tell that I’m pregnant and not just fat. Well, last night I realized NOPE, not even close. So unless my husband makes me take them, it’ll probably be a while before those happen!

We did the SneakPeak blood test for the gender of Baby Bingo, so we have known since 6 weeks and like 5 days. We decided to do a gender reveal ultrasound for our family. 1) we haven’t seen Baby Bingo since 8 weeks and won’t again until 18 weeks, and 2) it is an easy way to make it a “party” without having to plan. So yay! This is happening on August 13th. So it’s finally getting closer–1 week from Sunday. I’m ready to not have a secret anymore. I’m not good at lying or anything, and pregnancy brain makes it so much worse. So I’m excited for that AND to not be exhausted and sick all the time. Ha! We did record Sterling doing the gender reveal for social media. I haven’t watched it, but I know I look like a frickin cow! But she is cute. It’s a balloon drop (not a spoiler), so we got more cute pictures and videos once she started playing with them. She doesn’t know what the colored balloons mean, so it’s not super exciting to see her reaction.

Speaking of Sterling, we talk with her about the baby as often as possible. She likes to say “hi” to Baby Bingo. She also will hug and rub my belly. It’s pretty adorable. Austin got some pictures of it, but I look WAYYYY more pregnant than I actually am…..because I’m fat. lol! But in my mind, it is ALL baby. ha! I’m so ready to be THAT pregnant—where it is not a question if I’m fat or pregnant. That’s when I will start wearing ALL of the bump hugging clothes! For now, I try to suck in/flex so I look less fake pregnant and wear huge clothes.

So for the gender reveal, here are the old wives’ tales for Baby Bingo (more will be added later):