Today was the day we have been waiting for! The “baseline” appointment is our last one before starting injections. Austin had to leave urine as I waited for my appointment. My part started with an ultrasound to take measurements of my uterus, uterine lining, follicles, and follicle count. This was to make sure there were no large cysts or follicles. They also took blood to get estrogen levels. Everything needed to be nice and low so we could get started. This indicates that my doctor has control over my cycle. I turned in our consents and got prescriptions for pain meds for the egg retrieval and Prometrium for before the transfer. The nurse shared 2 clinical trials we can be a part of, and gave paperwork about those. We went over the calendar to review. Then I had to leave urine. That was a whole event, but way TMI, so I may share that later. Upon check out, I got to pay $9,580. YAY! Austin’s account was being goofy with the limit on transaction, so that took a while.
This is what an empty uterus looks like on an ultrasound…
Afterward, we made our way to the Oklahoma Blood Institute for the infectious disease testing. The pricing sheet from OU said this was $200-400, but when we paid, it was only $200! Small win! My veins are a mess, so it took them a while to get mine done. They attached an ice pack to my arm to help with bruising.
After that, we stopped for lunch at Chick-Fil-A and headed home. We went to Walmart to get my prescriptions filled. while we waited, we searched far and wide for cheap sweatpants, which aren’t a thing anymore, I guess! We picked up my car from the garage and headed home! Busy, busy day! I also got the call from OU that we are good to start injections on Friday and got my dosages: 1 vial of Menopur & 150iu of Follistim.
We depleted our savings & donations today, paying $9,780. We still have $2,000 to pay & probably more for additional meds. We can probably scrape together enough to pay for the rest.
For your enjoyment, my arms post blood drawing twice today…needles every day are going to be SOOOO fun! Lol!
Monday—the AC repairman finally had the part he needed to fix it. HomeShield, when things need repaired, usually costs us $75. But this time, the part that wasn’t covered was $320. Another cost we weren’t expecting. *also, bleeding a little, yet again *my office was so damn hot, it caused a headache
Today (Tuesday)— 7:08–leave for work 7:18–car yells at me (with sound & red flashing light) saying it needs coolant 7:40–find out I may not be able to ride with the tow truck due to COVID. 7:55–talked to tow company; found out it was probably going to require more than just adding coolant. It is probably a hose or a leak or something *during this time, Austin is calling garages to work on it. 8:10–the ONE garage that can work on it, can’t get it in until Friday. If they need a part, it won’t be able to be fixed until Monday. 8:24–tow truck arrives 8:49–arrived at my house with my car. Getting it off the truck, the battery was dead. He had to charge it, did something, then had to charge it again. Finally got it off the truck, but battery is still dead. Can’t lock the doors, so my day is spent making sure no one gets in it. 9:01–let the dogs out, look out & see a big black something in the yard. I get closer, it’s a huge dead bird. (Pics later). I use the pooper scooper to move it into the alley behind our house. 9:05–go to the bathroom. I had put a panty liner on this morning (because I’m randomly bleeding), but when I sat on the toilet, it had fallen in. Finish my business, put on a pad. The pad wouldn’t stick. So I had to throw away the pad, put my undies in the hamper, got a new pair, and put a pad on. 9:15–FINALLY sat down to start working…
SO that’s how my week is going…
If you don’t know, I drive an hour to work every day. I drive about 165 miles a day. So my car being MIA is very, very bad news. Whatever the cost, we MUST pay it and get it fixed ASAP. So our IVF savings keeps dwindling. One week before we start IVF. So here’s what we are looking at, financially…
We have around $11,000 saved at the moment. This will be where the car repair money will have to come from & our IVF money. Before the car mishap & AC repair, we were pumped that we had enough money to pay for IVF and scrape together whatever else was needed. I’ve been pre-approved for a loan, but the interest is 20-30%. While that’s a good safety net, it is NOT wanted or ideal. So now, we are freaking a little. A lot.
Not only financially, but with everything. The universe keeps knocking us down. It’s just one thing after another and right before we start IVF. As if this process isn’t hard enough. Austin, my lovely husband who remains steadfast, even-keeled, and doesn’t get too upset about anything, is freaking out. His messages yesterday, before the car debacle: “I’m still just frustrated that we keep having to pull money out of savings. We work so hard pushing and asking for people to donate, only to have some of that money taken away because something breaks” and “Like we are we going to get a break and the universe stop fucking us over and let us have a baby”. And then today: “I’m having a hard time trying to keep positive vibes with everything that’s been happening”. This breaks my fucking heart.
Breaks. My. fucking. Heart. The heartbreak of infertility. The struggle of IVF. The difficult journey of IVF—emotionally, mentally, physically, every damn aspect. Living somewhere between disappointment and hope. A constant struggle between the two. Add in the events of this week. Oh, and then my work, which I planned for a calm couple of weeks during IVF, the state department decided to review files and they MUST be fixed to perfection by the 16th. So I have been stressing to get these done quickly, and hopefully before we start IVF.
It shouldn’t be this hard. It shouldn’t be so taxing to start a family. I’m so sick of “the darker the storm, the brighter the rainbow”, “good things take time”, “anything worth having is not easy”. FUCK YOU. Not this. Something that just happens to a couple of hormonal 16 year olds by kissing should NOT be this difficult for a couple of stable adults that love each other and have a solid relationship. On top of it, most insurance companies don’t cover it, it’s considered an “elective” procedure, AND if I want to take sick leave for it, it diminishes the sick leave for when I have the baby.
This all sucks.
All of this for a 50% chance of pregnancy & a 50% chance having a baby in our arms. FUCK. ME.
Our meds have finally arrived! I’ve been anxious about it all yesterday and today. We’ve had our “med station” set up for a week or 2 now. I got some cheap pineapple decor to make it a fun and pretty area. Pineapples are the lucky symbol of the infertility world. Apparently eating the core is lucky/helpful in encouraging implantation. I took a picture, but forgot to post it.
I will post later about the things we’ve bought in preparation for our cycle and to bring a little more joy in all of this.
Almost $3000 of meds came in this box.
iPad Air 2020 version for size comparison
Since some of them have to be refrigerated, as soon as they came, we unboxed. I FaceTimed Austin so we were able to unbox “together”. Here’s the video!
Audio isn’t needed, just FYI
Yay! Trying to figure out what goes with what, how to sort and organize everything, and inventorying everything was a chore!
Everything
Everything again, with the light off
Everything without the pineapple
Everything without med boxes
Just the meds
All the med boxes
Just the supplies
Same trigger shot we used for IUI
Boxes within the box. lol!
Menopur
Q caps for Menopur
Progesterone in oil. This while be taken after transfer
Progesterone and oil
Pre-filled syringe of Ganirelix! CHEERS for pre-filled!!
Follistim pen, cartridges, and needles
Leuprolide trigger shot
The tiny vial in the medicine bottle
And finally, everything is organized and labeled!
Our tub of refrigerated meds
Med station labeled and ready for April 16th!
I have some small containers to organize within the drawers that are coming in tomorrow. This makes me feel more calm about everything. Organizing and preparing helps me to focus my anxious energy on something. We are 12 days from our baseline appointment & 15 days from starting injections! I can’t believe it. Today, I’m feeling hope, excitement, and anxious anticipation! We also have raised almost $700 in the last couple of days. Our puzzle fundraiser now has 141 pieces sponsored/bought!!! At this point, we can scrap together the rest of what is needed, except if we have to order more meds. This is contributing to how I’m feeling today, I’m sure. Today was the last eventful or exciting thing until our baseline on April 13th! 🍍
Even though I haven’t begun injections yet, my hormones have been on a rollercoaster the last 2 years. I’ve already talked about why & how. Being on birth control until we start injections, I didn’t think would be an issue or change. Well, I was wrong. I was very crampy & was spotting in the middle of my cycle. My tastes have changed since going on birth control. This is called “down regulation” because they are regulating my hormones, but making them go to very low levels. Things have been happening, and I finally just Googled hormone changes/imbalances, and everything that’s been happening was on those lists. I makes sense, but I was not nearly prepared enough for this.
I’ve been reading blogs of fellow IVF warriors, and hardly any of them talk about their journey before IVF. If they do, its a passing thought. Like “we had 2 failed IUIs and we are starting IVF! YAY!” So yea, I had no way of knowing what to expect. In addition to being crampy and spotting, I’ve had a change in tastes (things I love don’t taste good, can’t taste certain things, etc), moody, constantly tired, super thirsty. Since being on fertility meds, 2 long years, I am constantly hot, night sweats, tired, moody, I’ve gained 40 pounds, acne of a teenager, my skin goes from oily to dry to oily again with no warning, and my nipples are constantly at attention. My boobs refuse to stop growing. Seriously. I started, before fertility meds, at a 36DDD and am currently in a 38G. My 38G bras are now too small, by a cup or 2. My husband loves this, of course, but I do not. I’ve always been blessed with a bountiful bosom (I couldn’t resist the alliteration..hehe), but this is extreme. Nothing fits. Basically, I’m a raging, hot mess. When I gain weight, it is mostly in my tummy/hip area. So I’ve got a huge belly with skinny little arms and legs. Yep, I look pregnant. Cool. Even more so since my boobs AND belly have grown. I look about 5 or 6 months pregnant. So fun when you are PRAYING to be with child.
I’m naturally a reflective person. I’m always thinking about what I could improve, how situations could have been different, etc. I’ve been at a loss for why I went from being happy & positive to being a negative annoyed bitch. The past 5 or 6 years have been hell. I’ve had some amazing things happen and I love my life but I have been through some horrible situations. Still, I don’t feel like that’s the reason. I’ve felt like this for a while. I was miserable with my life, but blissfully unaware of it. Maybe in a later post I will list all of the traumatic things I’ve been through in the last 5 or 6 years. But this is not the time.
I was reading a blog of an IVF warrior on the Fertility Tribe site, and saw something that sparked an epiphany. Here’s what it said:
After reading this, I took a huge breath. I felt like a weight had been lifted. This makes so much sense and is exactly what I’ve been feeling, I just didn’t know how to express it. So, fellow fertility warriors, take it in. Read it over & over again. Take a deep breath. You WILL get through this. WE will get through this. It is never going to be easy, we may never get what we want, but we will get through it somehow. One day, my child-like hope will return. Until then, I promise to stay raw. I promise I will never filter myself here. I promise to bare my soul—ugly parts & all—so you never feel alone. 🍍
Also, Austin deserves a fucking trophy, all the presents, husband of the world award, and everything he would ever want for dealing with me in addition to the infertility journey!!!
The whole IVF process is crazy. But for the man, all they have to do is provide a sample & watch the woman suffer through the shots, the egg retrieval, the transfer. And then the two week wait, where there’s nothing they can do. It can be a challenging situation, especially for those amazing men that are equally in it emotionally and mentally with their wife. Add in a global pandemic and the isolation from the process is exponentially worse.
When we first began treatment at OU, Austin was able to come with me to our consultation and our IUI. I was able to be in the waiting room while he did his part and he was able to be in the room as his swimmers were put it. Even though we weren’t procreating in the fun way, at least each of us could be present during the different parts. Then COVID hit. Our treatment was delayed for a few months and when we were able to begin, everything changed. When Austin did his part, I had to wait in the car. When it was time to get inseminated, he had to wait in the car. We FaceTime during the insemination, but it’s not the same. Sometimes the service was bad, but I didn’t know until I got to the car. It was awful. Now that we are in the IVF process, it’s even worse! During the ART screen last week, we tried to FaceTime during, but it cut in and out for Austin. I was recording it, but it didn’t save. So all of the information from the nurse’s part of the appointment is gone. I rely on recordings because my memory sucks. I ended up doing voice memos for the rest of the appointment and then relayed the information when I got home.
Austin expressed his frustration and disappointment with all of this. He was crushed he couldn’t be at the appointment, thanks to COVID protocols. As we talked about the different parts of the process, he expressed how removed he was from the situation. All of my monitoring appointments, he can’t be there. On the egg retrieval day, he will have to wait in the car until it’s time to give his sample. I will recover alone, and the nurse will walk me to the curb where Austin will pick me up. On transfer day, he will stay in the car. When I get the blood pregnancy test, he can’t come in. The only part we get to do together is the injections. So the painful stuff, he gets to do to me. This process is hard enough on the man, but COVID is making it worse. Austin is further removed from the whole process than he would be. I don’t know how to include him more. So a suck situation is even more sucky, thanks to the global pandemic.
Yes, we are still in a global COVID pandemic. Yes, you should still wear your masks. Yes, you should still social distance. Yes, you should be avoiding people outside of your home & crowds. No, you should not be traveling. This this will only end when we are serious about stopping the spread, which we have not been. Parts of the US have, but Oklahoma has NOT. It’s not going to disappear because you are sick of masks. I blame YOU (the collective you) for making IVF harder. I blame YOU for breaking my husband’s heart. I blame YOU for getting knocked up while my husband waits in the car. Because YOU don’t like the restrictions. Because YOU feel like your rights are violated. Because YOU think its a lie. So thank you. I have seen my family once in a year because of YOU. My relationship with my mom is strained because of YOU because she’s frustrated at how cautious we choose to be to ensure we can continue with fertility treatment. I’m pissed. I’m furious. And I am NOT sorry.
I want to fix things for Austin. I want to make him feel as in this as possible. I’ve been focused on preparations for the process by researching like a mad woman and crunching numbers, but I hadn’t even thought about ways to make him feel more included. I’m a fixer. I want to find solutions to problems. But this one, this one I don’t know what to do. It breaks my heart for my sweet, incredible husband. He doesn’t deserve this. We are in this together. We have gone through each painful, disappointing moment of our infertility journey together. We’ve found a way. But this time, I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. Yes, he will be my shot administer, but with every IUI trigger shot, he apologizes over and over during. Giving me 3-4 shots a day is going to be brutal for him. And that is really the only part he can be a part of. How cruel that is.
If you’ve gone through IVF, what are some ways you have been able to include your spouse and make him an equal part of the process? Keep in mind COVID protocols are still strict at the clinic.
Anyone else, PLEASE, for the love of all things holy, follow protocols. Wear a mask. Maintain social distancing. Follow the CDC guidelines. Not just for us and our IVF journey, but for all of those going through cancer treatment, infertility treatment, weakened immune systems, high-risk, etc. We ALL want the world to open. But it cannot and will not unless we ALL do our part.
Today happens to be my 2 year diagnosary. 2 years ago, I got the call that a removed mole was melanoma. I also started my period that day. We were supposed to start fertility treatment that cycle, I was just waiting for my period. I was to start Clomid on CD3, but with the diagnosis, we had to wait until my doctor was comfortable with the melanoma being “taken care of”.
Today was FINALLY the day we’ve been waiting for—-the ART screen. ART= Assisted Reproductive Technology. I was not sure what this meant before, other than that I would get med info, our treatment calendar, trial transfer, and exam. This was pretty much how it went, but there were 3 different parts: Instructions with the Nurse, Exam, and Meeting with the Doctor.
Instructions with the Nurse
My nurse, Amber, is awesome. The first part of my appointment was going over all of the instructions. I got handed a huge packet, referred to as the informed consents.
This outlines every aspect of IVF—what will happen, risks of the different steps, and risks overall. We must initial each page and sign saying we read and understand all of this. Basically so if anything bad happens, they aren’t held liable. Another part of the packet is where we select what we want to do with our frozen embryos under the worst circumstances, if they happen (divorce, one of us dies, both of us die, no payment or communication from us). We have to select our decision and then sign the document. We also had to sign a waiver regarding the COVID policy that I’ve posted about before. I got the information about medications, our treatment calendar, and had any questions answered.
Here’s our calendar. Our “baseline” appointment will be April 13th. I’ll go in for an ultrasound and bloodwork to ensure I’m ready for starting the injections. This info will also help them decide what dosages for those. They will do some infectious disease testing with our urine, then we will go to a lab for testing our blood. We will turn our consent paperwork into the clinic and our “package” has to be paid in full. This day, we will have to pay around $10,000. I will go for bloodwork and ultrasounds for monitoring on the 18th, 20th, and 23rd for sure. After the 23rd, it will depend on what my body does and they will make appointments as needed. It could be daily, every other day, and maybe a couple in one day. They will monitor how many follicles are growing, the measurements of each, and my hormone levels. Once they decide I’m ready, they will schedule my egg retrieval. Based on averages, this could be the 26th, 27th, or 28th. Other than the first few monitoring appointments, all other appointments will be short notice. the transfer of the embryo will be 3 or 5 days after the retrieval, and then the pregnancy test will be 15 days after the retrieval, so we will know sometime early to mid-May.
Exam
The next part of my appointment was the exam. Apparently I was supposed to show up with a full bladder. I had to pee real bad when I got there, so I peed and then checked in. Whoops! So I drank a bit of water while talking to the nurse. The first part of the exam was the trial transfer. My doctor, Dr. Craig, did what she will be doing when she transfers the embryo, just without it. This is so she could “map out” where to place the embryo when its that time. Then she did the Saline Infusion Sonohysterogram (SHG). This is where they filled my uterus with saline and took pictures of it. It made a 360 view of my uterus, which was pretty cool to see. This is done to double check my anatomy, make sure there aren’t any issues, and give the doctor more information on exactly where to place the embryo. She also measured it, counted follicles, and found a small cyst. There’s nothing to worry about it, she said. She said everything looked great! The SHG was pretty painful after and it felt really weird to have basically water flowing out of me onto puppy pads while I laid on the exam table. Afterward, I was just cramping pretty bad.
Meeting with Dr. Craig
After the exam, I went to Dr. Craig’s office where she talked to me about the IVF process and specifics to us. Since I have PCOS, I have a high reserve of eggs, which is good. She said that with PCOS, you can get a lot of eggs—20,30, maybe even 40–but more of them will be bad quality. Basically 20 eggs retrieved doesn’t mean 20 kids. There are 2 ways the fertilize the egg. They can put the egg and sperm in the Petri dish and let them do their thing naturally or they can put the sperm into the egg, which they call ICSI (ick-see). Because we have never been pregnant and the IUIs weren’t successful, Dr. Craig said that tells her that they don’t play well together, so we will probably do all ICSI. This is fine by me! IVF for people under 35 has a success rate of 50-60%, with a 50% birth rate. There is still a chance of miscarriage, unfortunately. There is pre-genetic testing, PGT, that can test for abnormalities. Dr. Craig doesn’t recommend this for patients 35 and under, which is good. We weren’t sure what we wanted to do and it’s VERY expensive. She said with my health conditions, having multiples is not a good thing. In an ideal cycle, she would have 1 embryo to transfer and 2-3 to freeze. When we want to try again, we will go through a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), which doesn’t require any of the meds or retrieval. Just meds to get the uterus ready to implant an embryo! What I learned is that embryos we freeze now will have the same rates when transfer later as they do now. So these embryos will essentially be from 33 year old Ryan forever. So she could transfer one in 10 years, and it would still have the same success rate as 33 year old Ryan. CRAZY!
The Day After & Cash Money
I started this yesterday after my appointment. I had to process through everything, talk with Austin about things, and I was TIRED. The nurse faxed over my prescriptions to the specialty pharmacy yesterday and I had to wait for them to contact me. Tonight, they sent it to me. I was pleasantly surprised, to be honest. The total was $3154! The estimate was $3000-5000, so I was using $4000 as my figure. So that’s paid for. We may have to order more meds during those 2ish weeks in April.
So basically, we just paid for meds. My ART screen, which was estimated to be $580-1000, will be sent to my insurance. So hopefully it won’t be too much. I did have to pay my $50 copay. On April 13th, the baseline appointment, we will pay about $10,000. Then on egg retrieval day, sometime that last week of April, we will pay $1200. On transfer day, we will pay $800 to freeze our embabies. In total, at the least, we need $15,154. There could definitely be more costs—hundreds or so, so we want to be prepared for that. With our money set aside and my flex account, we have almost $13,000, so at a minimum we still need about $2200. WHEW!That feels a LOT better than what we were thinking. Looking at Credit Karma pre-approval offers for personal loans, I can get a $5000 one with a monthly payment of about $120. So not too terrible, but still not ideal. So far, our friends have donated $775! That’s awesome! We are hoping for some more support. Worst case scenario, we have to get a loan and spend 5 years paying it off. BUT our treatment will be paid for. I’m still annoyed that we have to spend $16,000 to try to get pregnant.
So now, we wait. Our baseline appointment is in 18 days, and we start injections in 21 days!
Yesterday, Austin went into OU for his updated sperm analysis. I’m sure they will tell me the results at my appointment on Thursday. This doesn’t really affect anything on our side, it just lets them know what specific procedures and whatever. Too much science for me. I have been spotting & cramping since Saturday or Sunday, which were CD 13 & 14 respectively. I’ve never done this before, in my life. I finally remembered to call OU this evening. So we shall see what they say. Other than that, I am anxiously awaiting my Thursday appointment. I’m trying to be patient and not think too much about it though.
New Fundraiser
In all of my researching, I found a really cool idea for fundraising for IVF. It’s a puzzle fundraiser. We bought a puzzle, which is a surprise until we complete the goal. People can purchase a puzzle piece (or pieces). Their name will be on the back of the piece. Once all pieces are bought/sponsored/fundraised, we will complete the puzzle and frame it with glass on both sides. It will hang in Baby A’s nursery. The puzzle is 500 pieces, so if we can get them all sponsored or whatever, that would be $5000 towards our IVF! This should be just enough or almost all of our costs. I’m excited about it. We haven’t had a whole lot of fundraising luck, so I’m hoping this helps.
COVID-19 & Such
As of March 15th, I am fully vaccinated for COVID-19, Moderna style. Austin had his first Pfizer shot March 12th and will have his 2nd one April 2nd, so he will be fully vaccinated as of April 16th, which is our IVF start date! Even with the high efficacy of these vaccines, I’ve heard of several people getting COVID-19 after being fully vaccinated. If you’re reading this not in real time, the CDC guidelines are still pretty strict. If all are fully vaccinated, a small group of people can be together in a house for an extended period of time. With our treatment getting close, we are maintaining our strict social distancing & whatnot. We cannot risk getting COVID, as our treatment will be canceled, without a refund, and no guarantee on when we can resume. Even when we are pregnant,we will maintain strict procedures to ensure mine & Baby A’s safety. Pregnancy doesn’t put you at a higher risk of getting COVID, but they do have a higher rate of severe symptoms. I can find the research article if you’d like. I’m really hoping that by August, we will be back to normal, but I doubt it will be. My school is looking at going back to in person in a couple weeks, and I’m crossing my fingers & saying my prayers that we don’t. Mainly selfish reasons, but other reasons too. I won’t have to worry about how to do my job for the rest of the school year not around people. It would be 7 weeks of in person school…
I’m sure my next post will be about my Thursday appointment. But I am also planning a post about our preparation for IVF.
A slight update…we did not qualify for the ReUnite program that I talked about in a previous post, which is disappointing. They did provided a way to finance our meds, so another loan option. Just what we want! Lol! We have a new fundraising strategy, but I will share that at a different time.
Today, I wanted to write about something different. I’ve mentioned that with my ex-husband, we tried to conceive for 2 years. Starting a little further back though, we will travel back to the end of my sophomore year of college. I stopped having a period. I wasn’t sexually active, so I couldn’t be pregnant. Went to my doctor again, and she ran many many tests. At this appointment, my mom was FREAKING OUT about how this would impact my future when I wanted to have kids. My doctor assured her that science has come a long way, and not to worry about that. This was my first ultrasound both abdominal and vaginal. This was a horrible experience as a virgin. It didn’t hit me until years later. A few days later, I got a call from the nurse—I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and insulin resistance, and I was being prescribed birth control and Metformin to manage these.
From this, I knew that getting pregnant could be difficult. I had done some research on PCOS, but not much. At 20, I wasn’t really concerned about all of that.
Flash forward to 2013 when my best friend had her first baby. I was there all day until she was born in the afternoon and stayed all night. At this point, I had been married almost 2 years to my ex-husband, who we refer to as “Asshole”. We were living in Colorado at the time. I had asked my doctor in OKC about what my steps would be if we were to start trying for a baby. She told me to stop taking birth control, and if I hadn’t had a period or got pregnancy in a few months to find a gynecologist in Colorado.
After this trip, Asshole & I decided we were finally ready. So I stopped my birth control and waited. After negative pregnancy tests and no period for several months, I went to a gynecologist. My doctor was in OKC, and I was living in Colorado. This gyno was an hour drive away, one way. He didn’t trust my doctor’s diagnosis, so he ran some more tests—bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc. After months of this, he concluded that I did have PCOS. No doy. So he finally got me started on Femora, a drug to endure ovulation. I took these the first several days of my cycle (I can’t remember specifics), and then Asshole and I were to have sex during the 5 day window so many days after finishing the pills. I’m assuming it was something around CD12-20 or something. This, in the fertility world, is known as “timed intercourse”. This was before all the fancy tracking apps, before ovulation predictor kits, etc. So every month, I would take the Femora, we were to sex every day during the window, and I would wait for my period or positive pregnancy test. Every month, I would go back to the gynecologist, and he would give the plan. We ended up doing 6 rounds of Femora and 6 rounds of Clomid (another ovulation med).
Sounds simple, right?! NOPE. Every single month, when the “window” came along, it was a fight every time to try to “baby dance” (what the fertility world calls sex). Seriously. When trying to BD (baby dance), during a 5-7 day window, it caused a fight. It was always the same conversation: We have to BD from __ to __ as much as possible. Doing it one time does not help. I am going to the doctor which costs $75 each time and taking these pills which cost $100 each month, so if you don’t want a baby, PLEASE tell me!! You want a baby, we have to BD!…and on, and on, and on…. You would think that would clue me into something, but no. And trust me, there were PLENTY other red flags before we even started dating. As a matter of fact, I was ready to divorce him a couple months before the birth of my best friend’s baby! UGH! Moving on… So for a year of medicated cycles it went like this: negative pregnancy test, gyno (at least a 3 hour chunk of a day), period, taking Femora/Clomid, BD window, fight every day about needing to BD & why it was ridiculous that I had to fight for sex, BD one MAYBE 2 times in the window, negative pregnancy test… Our last month of Clomid, we were actually moving to Arkansas. I let my gynecologist know, and he told me if we didn’t get pregnant this cycle, that I would need to see a reproductive endocrinologist (aka a fertility specialist). At this point, I was sick of spending money and emotions only to fight in order to BD. So when talking about it, we fought, of course. Asshole then tells me he doesn’t want a kid with me, and the fight ensues. This was the beginning of the end.
During these 2 years, only a couple people knew that we were trying to conceive. I told my mom only after I had decided to leave. These 2 years were spent suffering alone through all of the emotions of infertility on top of the emotions of Asshole & the constant fights regarding TTC. Dealing with all of this, utterly alone, while everyone around me was carrying on with growing their families. Along with thinking “marriage was hard” and what I was going through was use typical marriage woes. So much pain. So much without anyone being the wiser.
With all of that, I wasn’t sure if when I did want to get pregnant again, if I wasn’t getting pregnant because of the circumstance (no BD), divine intervention, or what. I was always hoping it was divine intervention. Of course, now 3 years into TTC with the love of my life & most amazing man ever, I know that it was me, all along. Although I am VERY thankful for this blessing in disguise. But it makes my heart hurt even more for Austin, my wonderful husband.
All of this, the years of secrecy, the years of pain, the years of suffering & putting on a happy face. This is why I share. This is why I am being vulnerable with you, whoever you are. Infertility shouldn’t be a shameful thing. It shouldn’t be a secret only shared when you finally conceive or decide to adopt. 1 in 8 couples suffer, yet it’s taboo to talk about. NO. My life quote is “Be the change you wish to see in the world”, so here I am. Soul, life, suffering, joy, wounds, scars, and all laid out for the world to see. Help me flip the script.
Today, our stimulus check was deposited, or as the young folk are calling the “stimmy”. Yay! I can’t remember if I have written about our pipes bursting last month. Oklahoma had some crazy weather, and extremely low temps. Our washer and dryer are in the garage with the water heater. Long story short, pipes burst, water went everywhere, wall had to be opened, blah blah. Luckily, we have great home insurance, unfortunately, we have a $1000 deductible. I thought we had paid that, but we still had some to pay. Of the stimulus, we were able to move $2320 into our “IVF fund”. As of now, we have $11,125.20 saved. I’ve never been able to say that in my LIFE! It’s so very frustrating that we have to save so much to hopefully, maybe get a child.
Right now, the thing I’m struggling with is whether or not to and when to apply for a loan for the remaining. Because there’s no set number for our total cost, it’s hard to say. My approximate estimation on the high end is $19,313, with paying around $7,883 this month and approximately $11,430 next month. My last calculation had us needing $8,507.77. So with the stimulus check, we are down to needing around $6,187.77 total.
While a loan seems wonderful, I’m concerned about us being approved and the interest rate. Then thinking about the monthly payments, how long we will have to make them, and what that means going forward. Whether that’s a successful cycle, meaning preparing for a baby, added costs to our regular budget, etc or a failed cycle, meaning possibly more treatments with more expenses. This is the part that makes me most concerned about a loan.
Our only other option is the generosity of our friends and family, and possibly strangers.
So, the decision about the loan still rattles in my head as our IVF start date gets closer and closer, faster and faster.
One of the hardest aspects of infertility, in my opinion, is the heartbreak. After years of wanting and preparing for a child, still waiting. Collectively, I’ve been trying for a baby for about 5 years. This is 5 years of disappointment. 5 years of heartbreak. 5 years of thinking… ”This is the last birthday it will be just the 2 of us” ”Next Christmas, we will have a baby in our arms” ”Just think, this is the last taxes we will file without a dependent” ”We can’t plan a trip to Mexico/overseas/anywhere requiring flying because at that time, I may be in my 3rd trimester and won’t be able to” ”If we do this race, it’s x months away, so I will be x months pregnant/we will need to find a race I can do with a stroller” and on, and on, and on.
Austin & I have had so many birthdays, Mother’s Days, Christmases pass thinking the next one would be with a baby. The next one, our world would be so different. Only for it to be the exact same. Wanting, waiting, hoping for pregnancy, and month after month being heartbroken.
My mom never knew about my previous 2 years of TTC with my ex. Austin & I didn’t share about our journey until we had our consultation with the fertility specialist at OU. I never really thought of how our infertility and journey affects our family. Several months ago, I text my mom saying I had great news. Then shared, I was officially a Nationally Certified School Psychologist. She told me that when she told my dad the 2nd text, he started crying. He thought I was going to say I was pregnant. He was so disappointed and sad. This absolutely broke my heart. I’ve spent YEARS dealing with the heartbreak, disappointment, etc and getting used to it. But to my parents and our families, this is new. I’ve never considered how it impacts them and how to help them deal with it.
This is a picture of our, still empty, nursery. We purchased the furniture in January 2020, and had it ready in late March 2020. Empty. Waiting. Just like our arms. Just like our hearts. Seeing this is just a reminder and even more heartbreak. Our dream, our hope that still has yet to be.
A few years ago, we had so many things we talked about doing “next year” and so on. Unfortunately, having the money to do all of these things at once is not possible. We created our 10 year plan. Each year has our ages, how many years married, and how many years away from the time we created it. We had big, pink post-its for big events and small, green ones for trips or small-ish things. We moved things around based on priority, money, etc. Here are our “plans”:
Looking at these is painful. Given our IVF cycle is successful, I will be due end of December/end of January. Yet another tax return without a dependent. As you can see, we were hoping for baby #2 in 2021, this year. We wanted to start the adoption process for our African baby in 2020. When I look at this, I think about how hopeful we were when working on these. We were so excited to think about the possibilities that lay ahead. So excited to started our family and for the future. Looking at it today, it just makes me sad. It’s heartbreaking. While things haven’t gone the way we had hoped, I know that doesn’t mean they won’t ever happen. It’s just another disappointment, another heart break, another let down thanks to such a horrible, horrible disease—INFERTILITY.
No one talks about the shame. No one shares about the feeling of inadequacy or being defective. No one talks about these things. The only time you really hear about infertility is when couples announce their “miracle baby” or that they are adopting. The celebration. The “light at the end of the tunnel”. No one talks about the tunnel. No one walks through the tunnel with you. No one understands the tunnel unless they’ve been in one. The darkness closes in on you. Toxic positivity becomes even more toxic. “Be happy for others”, “it’ll get better”. “Everything happens for a reason”, “just adopt”, etc. All these shitty things people say to those in the tunnel. They make it even more appealing to suffer in silence. So, that’s what we do. We cover the tunnel. We pretend it doesn’t exist. We cover it with toxic positivity. We put on a show. Which makes the darkness even more heavy, and the tunnel even more narrow. Thinking about how narrow, how dark, and how heavy the tunnel is feels wrong. It makes you feel even more defective. “Why can’t I just think positive? Why can’t I just have hope?! Just because it isn’t happening for me doesn’t mean it never will! Miracles take time. It’s all in God’s timing. You can’t have a rainbow without rain.” I’m not saying these things aren’t true. My point is that these thoughts, phrases, comments are daggers to the ones you are hoping to comfort. Even in my posts, I feel like I need to end on a positive or hopeful note. Heaven forbid any person is allowed to feel what they feel good or bad. Let us mourn what we thought our lives would be. Let us mourn our years in waiting while infertility takes hold of our future. Let us mourn the years we are losing with our children.
Infertility is lonely. Infertility is gut wrenching. Infertility is hope forgotten. A long, dark path of broken dreams. Crushed plans. Devastating loss. Yet society forbids it being spoken about, forbids it to come into the light.
Ryan’s Ramblings 